this blog makes me laugh....

but when noone answers texts or calls when im having a deep moment i take to this thing because its an outlet, and a conversation starter XD

i really wish disney movies were real
i wish i could believe in prince charmings and fairytales, and happy endings
where the bad guys always loose
where there is even a little bit of good in everyone
where even if someone leaves you they always come back in the end
where in the end everyone can smile and laugh at the silly twists in the plot as they look into the future.

but it doesnt always work that way
people lie, cheat, steal, betray, leave, and die.
some lie not only to themselves but their loved ones
some cheat not only others, but themselves
some steal just because they can
people will betray you to get ahead
friends, family, and lovers will leave
and eventually we will all die.


but it got me thinking, why can't we at least strive to see the world through "disney eyes"
why cant we believe in prince charmings, happy endings, and love?
what is stopping us from being the best people we can be?
what is stopping us from saying kind words, loving without consequence, and trusting what our hearts tell us?
yes, the real world, is a cruel place, and most go out into it with a negative attitude. and we DO have lots of real world things to be afraid of.
but why can't we start each day just purely believing in the good in each other?
of course there are the murderers, the liars, the cheaters, the backstabbers, the rapists.
but are we really that skeptical and tainted and close minded to go out into the world sheltered and afraid of miniscule possibillities? (here comes the skeptics chiming in with their facts on rape and murder, lets think outside of pure logic and reason here, we arn't vulcans.)

i want to just believe! for so long ive been so skeptical and cautious and scared to just love! not romantically, but just in general, to show how passionate i am about well, everything!
i want to believe in the good of every person
i want to believe in prince charmings and happy endings
i want to smile just because i can
i want to take advantage of every single waking second i have left on this earth, because only god know how much time i have left.
i want to love freely, undeniably, unconditionally, passionately, and happily.
for everyone in the world. everyone i meet, i wish them the best. no matter what
because everyone deserves their own happy ending.

before the storm = <3

No, this isn't what I wanted
I never thought it'd come this far
I was thinking back to where we started
And how we lost all that we are
We were young and times were easy
But I could see it's not the same

I'm standing here
But you don't see me
I'd give it all for that to change
And I don't want to lose her
I don't want to let her go

Standing out in the rain
Need to know if it's over
'Cause I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm, yeah
Before the storm

With every strike of lightning
Comes a memory that lasts
And not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
Maybe I should give up

Standing out in the rain
Need to know if it's over
'Cause I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm

Trying to keep
The light from going out
And the clouds
From ripping out my broken heart
They always say
A heart is not a home
Without the one
Who gets you through the storm

Standing out in the rain
Knowing that it's really over
Please don't leave me alone
I'm flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold you
Like I did before the storm, yeah
Like I did before the storm

response

well, ive decided that this blog is pretty much a waste of space and time. and possibly energy that we could use to power some other more important blogspot websites like "Whowhatweardaily.com" or "th Satorialist". That and nobody really gives a fuck, nor do i. Its just fun to read all my "rants" in the past that don't mean any thing. Wow, I'm seriously a bitch. Saying I hate people just because of a egotistic comment once made ages ago? Dumb. Really immature on my part. Plus, this blog is just fuel for drama, and for people to probably mock me behind my back, which is everything I don't want.

To sign off, I will vent on my final and most important issue in my life right now. Just so the silly people who actually waste their time to read this know that I don't just swear every other line and rant.

My family life has been really difficult lately, which is causing me to seperate myself from my friends. My grandpa had a stroke while I was away and I came home to an empty house, and an extremely stressed out mother. My dad and my brothers returned for a week, and during that week, my mom was rarely home because she was at the hospital all day taking care of my grandpa and my dad was at work all day.

We hardly had any time for family dinners, and I took over the mother role during the day. I had to make sure that my brothers had taken their medication, eaten, and were showered on top of being entertained. Things started to look up when my grandpa entered rehab and was doing better then got to go home. We even made plans to go to the movies with him because when I was younger we always did that.

But when we went to go pick him up, he was asleep, and my cousin was there upset because he didn't know what to do. He was watching him while my aunt took my grandma (who has health problems of her own and can't drive herself) to the doctor. My mom got him to bed and tried to make him eat something. He refused to eat because he felt woozy and had a fever. When my grandma and my aunt came back, we called the doctor and took him to the hospital right away. We were afraid he was stroking again.

The next day, I went to Warped Tour and it was awesome, until I got in the car and my mom told me my grandpa was sick again. He was throwing up, and when my uncle (who has lost an incredible amount of weight he didn't need to lose and is going through problems of his own) couldn't help, my mom had to drive another hour to their house to pick up the peices again.

The next day, while my mom was in the shower, my grandma called saying they were taking him to the ER. He had to have kidney dialysis (sp?) where the flush out your kidneys because the medicine he was taking was reacting with his insulin weird. (he is diabetic). My mom quickly came out of her room, in tears. I've hardly seen my mother cry this much and told us she was going to take care of it. Mind you, my dad and my brother are camping and completely out of touch with us this week. I called my best friend to just talk, and like the wonderful person he is he listened to me on the verge of tears. But I know I can't rely on him like that. I've been trying to go through this alone even though I know I need help from my friends. I just don't think a) they want to help or b) they don't know whats really going on.

So my grandpa is back in the hospital, but coming home soon, but I doubt for long. He's still not doing well and its really really hard on me. This is the first time I've gotten it all out in writing. I havn't even wrote a poem or anything about it since it happened. Just because it's been so stressful. I'm trying to help out the best I can, but my mom still cries every night. The anxiety has even gotten to my dog, who we took to the vet when she was shaking and the vet told us she was stressed out and might have to go on "puppy anti depressants".

I just wanted to let the few readers out there know whats really going on. Why I can't deal with being picked on right now, why I'll leave early, or why I'll just be plain quiet. I can't take anymore bull shit. All of the bull shit is in my corner right now, and I just need my friends to be there. Even though I may be difficult and resist efforts, I don't think I can do this alone. And I guess this blog has attracted some attention and has been the butt of some jokes. But I can't have that right now. I just need peace.

Thanks.

my faith is shaking

is it possible for someone to hurt so bad that they finnally start removing themselves from those hurtfull situations? i definetly think it is possible. because im catching myself doing it.
its so weird that to have this underlying depression.
its eating me. making me less and less social.
i dont want to be the stupid girl. i dont want to be the crazy one
i want to be me.
ive never been more done with my former self.
i hate that girl
i hate that girl who let herself be walked all over all the time
i deserve more than that. i really fucking do.
im just way to fucking secure with myself now

god. im just venting. tommarow will be a better day. going to the movies with my grandpa and a bike ride with the family. a perfect excuse to burn calories and get away from the people who are slowly ruining my self esteem.

Playlistism :]

So I've been on this kick where I just make themed playlists all the time :]
its a really fun and productive thing to do when you a) don't want to do homework, b) think "well golly gee! I wish i had a list of songs to celebrate/commenmorate/get over/enjoy this event/feeling/moment/action/person/object or c) have the need to waste time between rehersals and shows :]

so without further a deux, my playlists :] i'm very proud of them

RAINY DAY PLAYLIST
The weather has been rainy and shitty where I live lately, so I made a RAINY DAY playlist :]

November Rain - Guns n' Roses
The Lightning Storm - Flogging Molly
Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
Purple Rain - Prince
Umbrella - Rihanna
Southern Weather - The Almost
When It Rains - Paramore
Make It Rain - The Audition
Rainy Monday - Shiny Toy Guns
Northern Downpour - Panic At The Disco
Umbrella - All Time Low
Come In With The Rain - Taylor Swift
Feel Like Rain - Motion City Soundtrack
Hurricane Streets - Hey Monday
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Umbrella - The Postal Service
Shes My Kind Of Rain - Tim McGraw
Umbrellas And Elephants - Cinematic Sunrise
Kill Monsters In The Rain - Steel Train
Hurricane - The Hush Sound
Thunder - Boys Like Girls


AIRPLANE
LAX to O'Hare - The Academy Is
Fear Of Flying - A Rocket To The Moon
Paper Planes - MIA
Fly Until You Crash - Anarbor
I'll Fly Away - Kanye West
Island - The Starting Line
Island In The Sun - Weezer
Flying At Tree Level - Brand New
The Airplane Song - Scouting For Girls
Learn To Fly - Foo Fighters
Fly Away From Here - Aerosmith

blog #26 - boys of the summer

Yay, spring training for the Tigers :]
I'm so excited to get back to Comerica for those wonderful summer nights. I'll be able to get all my gear out and get there 2 hours early for batting practice and autographs. I love making conversation with players, I think it boosts their ego's and makes them play better. or at least I hope it does. I miss Granderson and Verlander and Bondo and Maggs and Polly. I feel like I know them, thats why I love the Tigers, I feel like more of a fan, I feel like I'm involved.

and my parents and I are obsessed. It's our only thing we do as a family, sad right? lol


Well, I've been so busy. With school and the musical. DY is going to be amazing. I love the people in it and feel so comfortable and at home with them. The entire cast is just so inviting and warm. I love them all. It's so nice that even when I'm not needed, I like to be there.

So Germany is coming up, and I'm pumped. If I go into more detail, I'll make you jealous.

I wish I could post more, but I can't. There is so much I'm trying to remember and forget at the same time. So much heart break and realizations that I can't bare to write it down. So here's a playlist, if you care to know whatever I'm going through right now in my life, you'd listen to the songs. I'm sure the meaning in them will be pretty easy. They range from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. Bear with me.


1. Just Keep Breathing - Automatic Loveletter
2. Magnolias - The Hush Sound
3. Fingerprints - Katy Perry
4. Brown Eyes - Lady GaGa
5.The Boys Of The Summer - The Ataris
6. Take My Hand - The Cab
7. Happy - nevershoutnever
8. About A Girl (acoustic) - The Academy Is...
9. Better That We Break - Maroon 5
10. Automatic Eyes (remix) - The Academy Is...

blog #25 - put up the peace sign

Sooooo much has happened since I have last updated. My laptop was broken, virtumonde to be exact and honestly I don't want my parents reading my rants so I figured that wouldn't be good updating from my mommys mac, but fransisco is safe at home and i love him :]

So. I've become more and more devoted to Damn Yankees. It's pretty incredible, I love being an upper classmen and the people involved with the play are so much fun to be around. The next two weeks with you guys will be delightful.

Also, I recieved my German! VERENA! She's really sweet and nice and I'm so lucky to be able to get along with the girl I will be spending most of my summer with.

But the more and more I think about and get excited for Germany, the more attached to home I get. I've never been away and out of the loop for more then a weekend, and even then it was summer and I was connected to home by a cell phone. But in Germany I will be cut off. Almost completely. And I'm scared/happy/anxious/excited/sad for it all. It's a wonderful mix of emotions that I get everytime I log on the computer and read all about the trip and other peoples Germans.

I don't know why I'm already thinking of missing people, but God only knows I will. I hate the fact that I could very well be forgotten. But in a sense I want to be forgotten. I want to come home with a clean slate, ready to start over and right my wrongs. I've been doing a stellar job at patching up my mind about finnaly getting things straight in my head in my heart and making the connection between the two.

It's hard giving up things you want, and resisting the little urges inside of you, but I want to be taken seriously. I've grown up and I'm ready to be grown up. The little girl inside of me will always believe in prince charmings and midnight kisses and second chances, but I'm not that little girl anymore and I know that things have changed. Prince charmings could very well be frogs, your carriage turns back into a pumpkin at midnight, and people you love will abuse you're second chances.

I'm just trying really hard to stay true to my desicions. To be me, not to strive for attention or a love that isnt equal. I'm me, plain and simple, take it or leave it. I've grown up, and it didn't take the pushes I've been recieving. It took one little comment from someone I thought I despised to change my whole perspective. Which is amazing in it self. I havn't done anything wrong, I'm just not thinking about the other sides.

Why do people do these things? What don't they understand? Why does someone say something then do another? Because their head, their hearts, and their impulses are not balancing out. My impulses were WAY outweighing my head, and impulses combined with the feelings in my heart made my logic all off wack.

So it comes down to this. I'm taking a stand up for what I want, and what I want is to be respected, and if that is ever going to happen, I'm not going to let people walk all over me. I won't be used, if you don't treat me right, I won't waste my fragile heart on you. I don't need advice on every little issue. I'm strong. I lost track of my strength, but I'm stronger than you think and now I'm going to show everyone that I'm not just a joke or an emotional rollercoaster. Love me, I dare you.

peaceeeeee ;]

blog # 25 - dancing in the future

so this whole schedule care business is super stressing me out. i honestly feel torn apart over it. mostly because its my last schedule card. theres no more after it. i sign up for classes for senior year and im done. the past week has all been talk about your future, and where your going to apply, and what colleges want. but what about what i want? when did that seem not to matter? why am i looked down upon for wanting to take certain things? its senior year! i should not have to be forced to do something i don't want to. i honestly don't care about college right now. ill get in where i get in, ill do what i do, i'm going to be fine. i just hate the pressure. i hate the fact that my conselour can look at my schedule card and tell me "colleges arnt looking for that" and make me feel bad. its what i want. it what i choose. isnt senior year supposed to be about freedom? the last hoorah? this year, i changed my mind about a dozen times. i went from not taking math or science to taking both. i went from taking AP english to 12-1. mostly because im going to do what i want. what i feel is going to be good for me. so im taking fundamentals in physics. because i dont want to struggle. i know what i can and can't do. math isnt my strong point, im done lying and faking. i love social studies. and this year i will shine. screw adams and the conselours and all of the pretentiousness. im not going to be a doctor. im not going to be a lawyer or an engineer. im 17 and i don't know yet. i have so much of life to live and explore and try. i dont know exactly who i am , or who im going to be. but i know that ill never get there by faking it. so this is a big "fuck you" to all of stuck up imbasuls who are faking it, or pressuring 17 year olds to plan their lives right now. fuck you. just because you arnt happy with yourself and how you turned out doesnt mean i have to be that way. and to all of the kids blindly following these emotionless leaders, do what you love, and fuck everything else. dont let the system run your life. be who you want to be. and do what you want. enjoy the time while your young. we can all break our backs working when we are old and have nothing better to do.


rant over.

blog #24 - :]

7 Things to Accomplish To Improve Myself:
1. Spend less money
2. Eat better
3. Actually go to the gym, not just have good intentions
4. Go out of your way to be nice to people who are your friends
5. Look at the clock less
6. Text less when with friends, enjoy being with the people your with
7. Smile

I've been pretty alright lately. I guess once you've hit rock bottom, the only place you can go from there is up. So steadily, slowly but surely, I've been improving. I like the good mood I'm in. :]

blog #23 - can we bring yesterday back around?

I miss pop music sometime :] haha. Like legit old pop music, old britney and jessica and girl groups :]

Anyways, ive decided not to dwell in the past and leave my horrible Monday behind me.

I had a great day today. It was felt good, school was good, I was happy during most of it despite my terrible day the day before. I'm actually doing good in my classes, wow, trying is actually paying off.
I'm finnaly set on my classes too. Senior year is going to be great, I'm taking what I want, not what I have to and I feel wonderful about it. Liberated. My last year of high school is about to be mapped out and I'm siked. So after school I went to Aimee's for like a half hour to eat cookies and watch youtube for a little bit. Then I went to get my hair done (it looks awesome!) and then I went tanning. Today is Fat Tuesday, and I'm giving up meat for lent :] We'll see how that goes.
For now I'm all smiles :] :] :] :] :]

powerspace

i cant stop listening to powerspace. they need to make a new album. pronto.
http://www.purevolume.com/powerspace
Sleep,Everyone.... by Powerspace

With so little sleep
At least you'd think I'd find
Some peace in my dreams
In my dreams
But my mind still winds up
On the same thing
The same scene
The same themes

'Cause it's all stuck in my subconscious
Built up from every day
So I'm stuck with these nightmares
Where you're gone and so far away

And when I wake up
I realize that everything's still wrong
I'm still here and you're still gone
It's not fair
'Cause either way I spin it
Separation seems so wrong
These breaks are far too long for me

Hours and hours
I'm stuck inside this place and this town
And you're gone
Far away, you're fighting for your life all alone
I want to wake up and go home

'Cause it's all stuck in my subconscious
Built up from every day
So I'm stuck with these nightmares
Where you're gone and far away

Oh, this tortures me so much that
I get sick and I throw up
In my dream and here on my bed
It's messed up how it's all in my head
Yet it's affecting me oh so bad
I guess this distance just makes me sick

'Cause when I wake up
It's 4 AM and I'm still all alone
Your message on my phone
Don't tell me that sleeping through the night
Is never this hard when you're home
'Cause I already know

Wake me

napoleon dynamite

I just spent the last hour quoting this movie with my family :]
So here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie.

Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!

Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?


Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.


Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, is that a new kid or something?

Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

molasses

whenever Greta opens her mouth I feel compelled to listen. That and this song is one of the most lyrically beautiful songs I've ever heard. The 3rd verse if you listen closely is amazing, its basically saying that I'll try to love you and be there for you, but as long as you fight this feeling, I'll just do my best to stay strong, and no matter how much you tempt me and wrong me, "I'll go anywhere with you". She just makes all of the horrible nasty things this guy apparently did to her (this song sounds like he was emotionally abusing her) beautiful. Its gorgeous. I applaud Greta Salpeter.

blog # 21 - heartless

i just realized the titles of my posts are all songs im currently listening to. bitchin. its like a time machine.

Today for the first time. I didn't hang out with anyone. I was by myself all day. and I liked it. weird huh? whatever it was nice not having to give a damn about my hair an clothes.

I ate alot though. shit im gunna gain so much weight, whatever. my ass looks awesome from all the eliptical work outs at the Y. hahah

I wrote alot today. but its mostly rambles because i wasnt thinking straight. and now im listening to kanye west heartless on repeat. i think the auto tone is getting to me. i think it sounds really cool. hahah 955 has been playing in my car lately. which is funny because im a rather small white girl who enjoys going to rock shows. i think stupid things are funny.

im in a weird mood basically. today was a huge waste of time and i have a shit load of hw to do tommarow for monday. fuck break man.

im on a boat

amanda told me to post this and its easier to keep track :]

It was the night after prom in Crystal Run, Colorado. It was nice weather, not to cold as it usually is in the Denver area. Scratch that, it was not even close to Denver. Crystal Run was a small hick town in the mountains of Colorado that during the winter housed some of the most premier ski resorts in the country, well aside from Aspen. Crystal Run was the place where the middle class skied. It was basically Aspen, without the glitz and glamour and visits from Paris Hilton. It was a ski resort, nothing less nothing more.

But when the weather was summer, Crystal Run sheds it snowy exterior and the grass is green and the mountains are more than picture esque. The students of Crystal Run High also shed their snowy winter job shells. The tank tops and flip flops come out, the sunglasses and the trips to Nevada and California start the pile up. But for the graduating class, staying around home is ideal, because now their worlds are open.

Jasey Cleveland sat in the smoky Bull Moose Lounge at the Crystal Run Ski Resort, her thin elbows on the hard cherry wood bar and her long strawberry blonde hair hanging down her back. The night after prom was always a big deal in Crystal Run. Why? Because that’s when Christie Tipton steals her father’s master keys to the Bull Moose Lounge at the ski resort he owned and the entire senior class gets drunk of their asses. Jasey knew the advantages of having a filthy rich best friend. Free booze, you get to drive around in a mustang convertible when it’s warm, and trek through the snow in a range rover in the winter, and you get to fly first class for shopping trips in Los Angeles from homecoming dresses. Jasey loved Christie like a sister. They were basically sisters, even though they looked nothing alike. Christie was short, about 5’1 as opposed to Jasey standing at a regular 5’6. Christie had almost jet black extremely shiny medium length and perfectly styled hair and dark brown eyes. She was tan year round and model thin. Christie also had this extremely charming bubbly personality. All the boys at school fell instantly in love with her and every girl wanted to be her best friend. She was flawless in Jasey’s eyes.

Jasey on the other hand, saw herself as extremely imperfect. Jasey wasn’t tall. She was average height. She wasn’t extremely thin, she was muscular, probably from all her days snowboarding and lifting heavy ski equipment onto high shelves at her winter jobs. Her hair wasn’t always perfect; she hadn’t had it dyed in all her life. It was a light strawberry blonde color, she was a ginger, but people could never tell if she was a red head, a blonde or had light brown hair. Jasey was never tan, she had light brown freckles scattered across her face. Her eyes were not piercing or deep or meaningful. She had shallow green brown eyes. Poop color as she referred to them. No one was jealous of Jasey like they were Christie. Jasey was always the friend never the girl, she kept to herself and laughed quietly when the other girls erupted into fits of flirtatious giggles. She wasn’t shy, but she wasn’t as outgoing as her best friend was. Jasey always felt like she just lived in Christie’s shadow, but she never hated Christie for it, she wanted it to be that way. She watched Christie live her seemingly perfect life, and Jasey was just a pawn in the giant chess board of Christie’s life.

Christie did have a downfall. She was extremely emotional. She could have crying fits and laughing fits sometimes within the same hour. Jasey had no idea how her boyfriend, Sean kept up with her. Jasey was pretty chill. She never showed her real emotional side, she wasn’t a heart of stone, but she wasn’t as extreme as Christie. She felt that Christie handled the emotions enough for both of them.

“Jasey!” shouted Christie from behind the bar. Christie, obviously was the best dressed in the entire room. All of the other girls were wearing last years Sadie’s dresses or tight Abercrombie jeans and tank tops from Guess at the mall, but Christie was a vision in a white strapless BCBG dress that came down to her mid thigh and showed off her gladiator heels that gave her about 4 extra inches. She was holding in her hand to alcohol bottles, Grey Goose and Jack Daniels.

“What will it be girl?” she said with a devilish grin taking out two shot glasses with the inscription CR on them.

“Just a shot of Jack” Jasey replied with a smile as she watched her friend pour her a shot. Jasey took the shot like a professional and winked at her friend in a joking way.

“Jasey Cleveland has just taken her first shot of the night ladies and gentlemen! The party can now begin!” Christie shouted so the entire room could hear. Sean walked right behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a short kiss on the lips.

Sean was just like every other guy in Crystal Run. He thought he was going to be the next Shaun White. He dressed in plaid, avoided shaving and cutting his hair, listened to music you can “board to” and wore his skull candy headphones around his neck. He was attractive in that reckless bad boy kind of way, but he wasn’t original, he was just like all of the other boys in Crystal Run. He was no Ben Somers.

“Hey Jase, why the long face? Where’s Nate at?” he said still holding onto Christie.

Jasey had almost forgotten about Nate, which was a very funny thing because she had been dating Nate Volchinkski for a year and a half now. Sure, she liked Nate, but she didn’t love him as if he loved her. The only reason she was with him is because she could never tell Ben Somers just how much she adored him.

“I’m not sure? Probably outside smoking with Jake” she said rolling her eyes.

And just like every other boy in Colorado, her boyfriend Nate smoked pot like a chimney. She didn’t really care, it just bothered her that she never knew if the words coming out of his mouth were his sober thoughts or not.

“Figures,” said Sean as he took a swig of the Heineken Christie just handed him.

Jasey’s eyes shot across the room as she heard his voice. Ben Somers was here, in this room, at this party. What made Ben Somers so desirable to Jasey, because he was different? He wasn’t obsessed with snowboarding or the X games. He didn’t smoke pot like all the other boys, hell he didn’t even dress like the other boys. He wasn’t a carbon copy of the boys in Crystal Run, he was Ben Somers. Utterly perfect in every way. Jasey had been in love with him since the moment he moved here from Chicago in freshman year. They were friends, not close, but they had hung out a few times. She knew enough about him. He was captain of the lacrosse and baseball teams. He snowboarded but wasn’t a huge fan of the cold. He dated a junior earlier this year by the name of Sammy Montgomery, but dumped her after finding out she got drunk and gave a blow job to Josh Hamilton on the junior class trip to Yellowstone National Park. She knew that he visited Chicago twice a year, for Christmas and Easter. She knew that when he got drunk he liked to watch Rodney Dangerfield on paper view and laugh uncontrollably every time he said “I don’t get no respect.” She also knew that the one time they were ever alone with each other, they shared a very intimate kiss that both vowed never to tell anyone about because they both were dating other people. She also knew his lips tasted like cinnamon because he was always chewing cinnamon flavored gum because he knew that no one ever wants that flavor and people will stop mooching off of him. Ever since that night, Jasey chewed only cinnamon flavored gum.

Ben was talking to Josh Rutherfield and Ted Smith, his fellow teammates. She smiled as she saw his face light up, probably because Josh mentioned something about his scholarship to Arizona State to play lacrosse for them. She knew how excited he was about that. He had told her about a million times one night when he called her and they talked until 4 in the morning and fell asleep together on the phone. Jasey’s train of thought was interrupted when Nate, dressed in slim fitting brown corduroys and a red plaid shirt with a white neck underneath, stumbled into the bar holding an object up in the air. It was a head, not a real head of course, but the head of the bust of John Smith that decorated the front of Crystal High School. People raised their glasses and cheered and he tossed the head over to his friend whom they called Bear, because rumor has it, he wrestled a bear once. Nate made a beeline over to Jasey and whispered into her ear.

“Babe, can I talk to you?” he said in a very sloppy stoned drawl. He reeked of marijuana. Jasey nodded and took his hand and lead him out to the porch that overlooked some of the bigger mountains in the horizon. Once they were outside Jasey crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrow.

“What’s going on Nate?” she said knowing this was going to be bad. She didn’t exactly care; she had dealt with him for a year and a half. He was the class clown, the second most popular boy next to Sean, and a complete asshole. If this gave her an excuse to dump him, she’d be glad.

“I had sex” he said with a half smile that only could mean he was high. “With Joanna, in November” he finished his sentence.

Jasey was not surprised, she had heard rumors and kind of just brushed them off. She was hurt, but not as much as most girls would be. She couldn’t blame him really, Jasey refused to fuck him, and every time they got close, she would make up and excuse. She always was on her period or had to watch her neighbor’s kids, or forgot to take her birth control that day, all lies of course. She just didn’t want to give her virginity to Nate. He was an asshole who wouldn’t respect her. If anything he probably wouldn’t even hold her after. He’d come then leave. Before Jasey could say those words she wished she had said about 3 months into their relationship, he interrupted her.

“The reason she hasn’t been at school is because, she’s pregnant” he said running his hand through his straight shaggy blonde hair. “We’re keeping it Jase, I didn’t know how to tell you because I knew you’d be mad, but we have to end this. I don’t love you like I used to. Plus, I’m going to be a father, and Joanna is completely cool with my smoking” he said as if he was the biggest stud in the world. That’s what really set Jasey off, not only did her boyfriend cheat on her, but he got a girl pregnant, was dumping her, and had every intention of smoking weed around his child. Jasey punched him in the shoulder.

“You are a filthy pig! You know that? I can’t believe I ever went out with you! You cheating, lying bastard! You are going to kill that baby from all the second hand smoke. I would not be surprised if it came out retarded from all the shit you smoke! I hate you!” screamed Jasey. She was pissed and cool tears began to drip out of her eyes. She didn’t care about Nate, he was an asshole and this proved it, she was just disgusted and felt terrible for Joanna. Nate looked at Jasey and tried to go in for a hug but Jasey hugged herself and turned away from him, her eyes tearing. Nate squinted and walked inside leaving her outside. Jasey went over to the railing and leaned against the railing, hanging her head down, feeling as if she wasted a year and a half.

“Jase, are you okay?” said a voice behind her, the voice was deep and melodic. Jasey closed her eyes just to soak in that sound. She didn’t turn, she knew who it was, and the feeling of his arms wrapping around her was all she needed to know who it was. Ben.

“He told Christie it was over and she made a scene like she does and kicked him out” Ben told her, like that would make it any better.

“Josh and Ted are even plotting to toilet paper his house” he said with a little comforting laugh.

Jasey wiped her eyes and let out a low giggle.

“There you’re laughing now,” said Ben looking down into her wet green brown eyes with a comforting smile. Jasey looked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

“Thank you Ben” she said letting her head sink into his chest. Ben’s hand snaked up and held her head to his chest.
”Jase?” he questioned her after a while of standing in silence.

“Yes?” she questioned back looking up at him wondering what he was going to say.

“Do you remember that one night after work, when we sat on the steps?” he said, of course referring to the night where they kissed. Jasey nodded to answer him.

“I’ve been thinking about it, every night since then, Jase. It was such bad timing, me being with Sammy and you with Nate and all,” he said taking a pause to brush a piece of her hair out of her face, “I should have made you dump him, I should have told you the truth,” he said stopping and cupping her face in his hands.

“What’s the truth?” asked Jasey confused.

“That I never wanted to be with Sammy, I wanted to be with you,” he said, his grip on Jasey tightening, almost to make sure she wouldn’t run away. “I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time” he said as he bent his neck and slowly but surely set his soft cinnamon flavored lips on hers. At first Jasey was caught off guard, I mean with everything that had happened that night, now Ben Somers, the boy of her dreams was confessing his love to her and kissing her underneath the Colorado sunset. Jasey caught grip of reality, she was kissing Ben Somers, well he was kissing her, and she had yet to kiss back. Jasey’s lips smiled underneath his and she kissed him back standing on her tip toes because he was much taller than she was. They stood there for quite sometimes, letting their lips lock and unlock, and their combined breathes floating up into the atmosphere. This was all happening so fast. Their limbs holding each other together until they both simultaneously pulled back for air. They both let out a laugh and stood there in the warm summer air for awhile. It was amazing how out of something bad something so effortlessly perfect could erupt.

thought it was interesting...

You Crave a Blissful Life

Your dream is to live a light hearted, carefree life. You don't want to be bogged down by stress. You'd like to recapture some of the playfulness and innocence you had as a child. You believe that life should be about celebrations and fun. The world needs more happiness. You want to focus on the positive and stay optimistic. It's too easy to get depressed.

The Sunset Test

blog #22 - just venting venting

the A.D.D is bringing me down
because i cant make a noise without breaking the sound
barier baby, ive built up to many walls
and this may be the last time i call


ill be your shoulder to cry on
nothing less and nothing more
because baby ive been through this before

so take the rain away when you leave
because its too much for my heavy heart to believe

blog #21 - story time!

The world around her felt as if it was at a standstill. The rotation on the axis has taken a complete stop as the seasons met a crossroads. There was still snow on the ground, but those small piles of white were not fluffy, but rather hard and rigid amongst the greenest water doused grasses. It was the dawn of spring, the days grew longer, but it nothing was moving. Jasey was walking down her driveway as day blended into night. The horizon littered by mountains was black and blue, almost as a reminder, just like everything was. Jasey's long strawberry blonde hair blew in the last bit of the winter winds blowing through Colorado, she hated garbage duty. She heaved the giant black garbage bag out to the sidewalk. She looked up the street, it was empty, the only thing that stood out in her vision was the streetlights that drenched the puddles on the sidewalk. Jasey breathed out and a she could see her breathe form on the wind. It was a regretfull sigh, she knew who was behind her.
"Ben..." she began to say as she turned around before she was interuppted.
"J, will you just listen to me? Just for one second, your'e not returning my calls or texts. You've been avoiding me at school. I just want to talk." said Ben standing before her. She was always so mezmerized whenever he talked to her, whenever he looked her in the eyes and spoke with that deep flowing melodic voice. He was flawless in her eyes, and she was sure every other girls. I mean he was Ben. He stood there with his statuesque figure and messy head of curling brown locks underneath the silly knitted ski hat he always wore. He wore what every other boy wore, the same dark wash jeans and North Face jacket, but he carried it off with more of a grace then the others did. He was Ben of course, the same Ben who's peircing mahogany eyes were pearing at me, begging my ears to listen.
"Ben, I'm sorry I couldn't make it, I really am. But that night is etched into my brain, I can't just forget and pretend everythings okay. Now, I have bigger things to worry about." said Jasey lying. She was always a brilliant liar.
"You havn't even given me a chance to apologize..." he said looking at the concrete.
Jasey didn't know what to say. She felt as if everything she had done was a mistake. She said it, but she never actually believed in it, and she hated doubting herself. She lifted the trash bag into the black trash can and felt a familar grip on her hand. She looked back into the eyes she had been trying to avoid.
"For everything, I'm sorry. For leaving like that, for lying, for pretending. If I could take it all back, I..." he said pausing for a second, "I wouldn't take it back. It was meant to happen J, destiny. What happened on that mountain, the four of us, it was meant to happen." he said like he knew all the right answers. In that instant, Jasey knew that the boy she loved all along, the boy she wished she could trust, the boy who was worth all the pain, didn't know her much at all. She had lost something on that mountain, she could never get it back, and he acted like we all just had to move on.
"We left someone on that mountain Ben. I think about her everyday. I think about everything I lost up there everyday, every moment, every second of my existence, I think. I can't go back, I know, but it wasn't destiny. It was all a horrible mistake." said Jasey her voice shaking, pushing back reality and drifting into the fiction she had been telling herself.
"Jasey, everyone came down from that mountain. I mean, we lost things, but not people, all four of us came down." he said gripping her shoulders turning her so she'd look at him. "Jasey, I meant what I said." he said that boyish grin plastered across his face, she could do nothing but reach up and smooth over those cheeks.
"We did lose someone, I lost myself to the mountain Ben, and I can never get it back." she said her thumb smoothing over his cold skin.
"J, I know what else happened up there." he said looking down at the ground as if he just told a huge secret. "It was an accident J, it's not your fault." he finished his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her into a hug. Suddenly, Jasey felt a huge pang in her stomach. It wasn't an accident, she had done it on purpose. Ice cold blood was on her hands.
------------------------------------------

lol i suck at writing stories, but seriously nothing went on in this story, so i wrote a random story :] hahah i suck

blog # 20 - you are the moon

Today was well, normal. I didn't feel any particular up or downs. I had rehersal, and then went to the gym for 2 hours because I had no homework and there was nothing better to do. I am now wonderfully sore, my legs are pounding in pain and so are my shoulders. But I like it, I think that may become my daily routine.

Anyway's I feel really super incredibly sleepy, so naturally I made a playlist of pretty slow ish songs to sleep too. I realized that if I want to sleep (which if you know me, you'd know I have an incredibly hard time sleeping at night.) then I need something to sleep to. like an idea, or a story, or a person or music, just to relax my mind and get me to sleep. Since I've made this realization I've been able to focus on one thing that relaxes me and just sleep. It's nice.
So here's my play list for sleeping ;]

1. Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparattus
2. Look After You - The Fray
3. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie
4. Jasey Rae (Acoustic) - All Time Low
5. 100 Times - Hit The Lights
6. Fell In Love Without You (acoustic) - Motion City Soundtrack
7. Hush - Automatic Loveletter
8. Make Believe - Metro Station
9. You Are The Moon - The Hush Sound
10. Thirteen - Ben Kweller
11. Holiday - Boys Like Girls
12. Good Riddance - Green Day
13. Northern Downpour - Panic At The Disco
14. Sentimental Heart - She & Him
15. You Told Me You Loved Me - Cinematic Sunrise
16. That's So You - The Rocket Summer
17. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

blog #19 - i really mean i wish that you'd grow up

I'm pissed. Really angry. At almost everyone and everything. Certain topics and things and people just tick me off, and I never get really angry, but right now I'm so so mad. It's just been a very bad weekend. Friday I got in an accident, Saturday I babysat a bunch of whiny kids, and today I got yelled at my dad because my 14 year old brother was lecturing me on babysitting so I called him out on it. RAWR teenaged fustration. I hate being treated like a baby, like I can't handle myself like I don't know what I'm saying. I hate it when people who don't know anything talk down to me. I hate it. Certain times, I bring it upon myself, but when I'm trying to tell you something thats bothering me, do not lecture me and tell me I'm stupid for feeling that way. This is why I have trust issues, because I don't know who I can talk to or not. My trust bubble is increasingly shrinking. I guess this is growing up. The realization that I truly only have myself. I guess my independent side will have to take hold for awhile.

Anyways, the begginning of my day was fun. I liked working at the village with Jen and Janna and going out to eat with them at Kruse & Muers. I enjoy occasionally hanging out with new people. Its a nice inviting change. Not that I don't love my group of friends, its just I like to hear other voices sometimes. I never really believed in being exclusive to one clique.

Only 2 more days.... thank the lord almighty!

blog #18 - im a real big fan of yours ;]

Time to sum up the last few days...
Friday:
School, blahhhhhhhhh. I took a few tests, did an impromptu, blah blah boring. I've learned to like thrid lunch though, I just need to be more optimistic. After school, Aimee Ryan Dalton Matt and I went to White Castle then to Aimee's to chill and watch ghetto fisherman tv shows :] Then I went home for food, and on my way to Dalton's, of course I got in an accident. Great, story of my life right?

Saturday:
I woke up at like 1 o clock, and my body was aching. I have no idea why, but I felt like I had just been tackled by giant football linebackers. I just hurt. Then my mom made me clean, then I babysat for a good 6 hours. I better make some good money, I'm expecting 100 dollars, if not I'll be pissed. My mom did get drunk and buy me Bamboozle tickets though :] That was a good things, and then Aimee and Amanda came over for a little bit and Aimee said some crazy things.. I love her.
---------------------------------------------------

"Its called destiny. It’s called integrity. It’s called YOU. It comes in the form of every boy and girl, it’s just up to each and everyone of us to let it out. Scream, live, and believe at the top of your lungs. Mediocrity is NOT okay. We can be more than that." -- Alex Deleon

Seriously, this quote stood out to me so much when I read it. Usually artist's blogs are all about their tour and them partying and are never their real thoughts, but Alex's is great. I can't wait to see him at Bamboozle to tell him how much I love reading his blog. It really inspired me to write this one. Because that is how I live, I just go, I do and say what I want. And I tend to get a little over the top, but you only live once, so I live for the moment. At least I try, I am a worrier, and I need to quit it. Worrying to much makes me feel insecure and I do not like that. I am very insecure as it is, and I need to stop it, because people like ME, not the character I create for the masses. I'll come out of my shell, it might take a while, but I'll emerge.

Lately music has been driving me crazy. Like inspiring me crazy, making me want to do crazy things. Like go to Disneyland or Vegas or the beach or just drive around and be outside and look at the stars. One day I'm going to do that. This summer, I'll set up my awesome little green army tent that I've inherited from my father, grab a bunch of people who will appreiciate it and just lay on my back and watch the stars. God, summer seems like a good idea now.

Anyways here are the amazing lyrics from "San Dimas High School Football Rules" by The Ataris. I'm hooked on this song

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...

i wanna take a ride on your disco stick

blog #17 - fantastic posing greed

take what you need while theres time
the city will be earth in a short while
if im not mistaken, its been in flames
you and i will escape to the seaside

those lyrics mean alot to me right now. its basically saying, dont be afraid to just do it, we dont have time to waste, i know you want to, and we can run away and escape.

im not sure who reads this blog, so i dont know who im touching with my words, but really.
i've heard every excuse in the book, but we are running out of time, so just buck up and say those things you want to say to me, i can see the fire burning, and after you just say it, we can forget everything and move on.

I'm ready to move on. Not nessacarily on to something new, but move on from the past, i dont wan't to get tangled up in it any more. it happened, its over, we have now.

we only have now. there is no past, there is no future. we have now to be, so why dont we just be?
---------------------THURSDAY SONG INTERPRETATION DONE-------------------------

So today the junior class par took in "bubbling" where you fill out your name a ton of times and then answer a bunch of dumb questions like wheather you like to watch forest fires or not. Then we had class. 20 mins each, huge waste of time. I came home, and did nothing productive. I put a few outfits together, hooray? Then i talked to an assortment of people on the internet. It's 10:00 pm and I want something to drink, preferably something to keep me up as I study K2, which has to be the gayest form of grammatics ever invented for the german language.


6 Things I Want Right Now:
1. VS shorts
2. Caffiene
3. A drink
4. An A on this German test
5. An excuse to wear those awesome boots I found
6. Something to sleep to.

blog #16 - northern downpour

unfortunately, due to copyright laws, i couldn't find the beautiful video for northern downpour.
but it pretty much sums up my day. so here's the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcUlIl1eJbM
and a picture from the video,


sorry its the best i can do.
i don't think there ever was a song that described a day better. well except maybe 'his girl friday' by the academy is... about a time way back when.
but really this song describes everything.
my mood, which at the moment is pretty chill.
the rain, obviously.
and the hope past all of the clouds and yuck. basically my day is summed up in the song. i love it and it will be on repeat until i fall asleep at 3 am due to the ridiculous amount of coffee i am/will be drinking.




please forget to fall down...

blog #15 - just another modern swinger

I should probably start using cute witty quotes as titles :]
but today was pretty blah.
chem was chem.
german was good, i always feel extra confident when frau b thinks im doing a good job. i always feel the need to please that woman. english was boring, mr lovalvo made me read because i rolled my eyes at him, and always feel the need to argue. math was gay as always. i hate my lunch. the only good thing about it is i'm with Will, and he's usually nice to me. Although i miss my old lunch a ton :[ I also rocked my math test. vertebrates was solid, watched a cool shark movie. then ap gov we basically sat around and played a game. quality i know.

after school i got slurpees with aimee, then hung out with her, walked around the village for like 20 mins, then hung out with dalton, which basically meant we rolled around on the floor for a half hour :] i will seriously miss both of them on winter break :[ i wish i was going to blue mountain with aimee.... whatever, hawaii in 60 days and germany in about 130 :]

daily deep thought: we as humans, are always selfish. because no matter how happy we are, or how much we have, we always want more. we want more and expect more out of everyone and it is not fair at all. we are always waiting, wishing, for something, someone, sometime, to sweep us off our feet. we are never sincerely 100% happy, something could always and will always make us happier. hell, im extremely content right now, but i could think of about 100 things that would make me happier. but we live and we deal, and we are content and thankful. at least i am. okay deep thought over


10 Things That Would Make Me Happier Then I Already Am:
1. Sun
2. A tan
3. School to get canceled for the rest of the week
4. Bamboozle tickets
5. To date a rockstar
6. having said rockstar write a song about me
7. flowers
8. those awesome shorts from VS
9. a new bikini for hawaii
10. to miraculously loose 10 pounds

i think like this

i want to get gone
to forget all the capitals and grammar
to speak as though i'm 5 years old without a care in the world
where a smile can carry a conversation
but for now im in love with the cold air
the kind that fills my lonely sleepless nights
with noone beside me but memories
self medicating myself with over the counter lullabies
and fueling up with coffee pot methamphetemines
its the only way i sleep at night
the only way i can calm my restless dream driven mind
the cure to my hopeless hopes and my nighttime day dreams
ill cash my busy checks and save up my kisses and headaches
and put them in away in a jar for next time
just in case i need something to chase a rainy day.

blog #14

I seriously have no idea what is going on in my life right now. All I know is my new, "hard working" attitude is getting me better grades in school. Thank God, I need to get an A in the easy classes I currently have. Seriously, my school day is a blow off, basically I just chill all day. Chem is a laugh, even though its balls hard, German is funny as always and I do well, Comp 11A is a HUGE waste of time, but i love the arguements and discussions. Math is gay. I hate it and the fact that my lunch is now switched, but i think it's for the best, now I can chill and might actually concentrate, and my friends will occasionally be in my lunch :] Vertebrates is awesome, it is currently the only class i go to school for and AP Gov is a waste of time. But i love the people in it and the weird shit we do.

It's 9 at night and I do not want to do my homework, or as I like to call it, homo-work. I'm on my second cup of coffee, mostly because I refuse to fall asleep without finishing it today and I have a shit load to do. God I love caffiene. I've been craving everything that is unproductive and bad for me.

1. Sugar
2. Caffiene
3. Smoke (of all kinds, I just want like firework smoke or incents or candles or something)
4. No sleep
5. Rock music
6. Kissing cute boys whom I will never love.


haha. I'm bad, but I love all of the bad things that are fueling me lately. It's chilled me out, the artificial remedies, the self medication, the modern chemistry. Tyelonol is my best friend and Nyquil is the only reason I'm sleeping at night. And like I'm not depressed or anything, like I'm just happy, nothing is bad or good, just like there. I'm glad I've been getting progressively busier, I feel like my life is fuller when I'm more busy. I love the babysitting jobs and the volunteer work. It makes me feel good, makes me feel young again and I'll always have Friday nights and Saturdays with my best friends. Insert super smiley face. I had a terrible headache today, that made me skip out on rehersal and German club was canceled, insert frowny face. I was actually looking forward to it, but whatevs. I went home and slept and watched 2 episodes of Scrubs, then some NCIS. Quality. List time!

10 Things I've Learned To Appreciate:
1. Coffee makers
2. Cold air
3. Windows
4. Smiles
5. Soffee shorts
6. Gym memberships
7. Red nail polish
8. Disney movies
9. Alone time
10. Keeping things to myself

10 Things I Would Like To Find Time To Do:
1. Do pre trip questions
2. Learn how to make some awesome pasta/curry
3. Read some of the books Becca gave me
4. Eat breakfast
5. Sleep
6. Buy an ACT prep book
7. Do some AP gov practice stuff
8. Go to the gym
9. Watch the news
10. Clean mirror

blog #13

Recaps:

Saturday:: Can drive in the morning, very fun/awkward experiences with Will and Becca, yet fun. Then I came home and basically nothing happened. Period. It was so so boring, that I went for a very very long walk with my dog and listened to my ipod so loud that I didn't hear when Will called me. Then Paige and Will in the midst of commiting grand theft auto came and picked me up and took me home. Good thing because I was tired and misreable. My mom got chinese. Yummy, then I went to Melissa's with Dalton and people I don't know. Almost lost my shoe in a puddle of snow. Thank God it was only water not mud. Then i proceeded to run around in just my sopping wet socks all the way to Hungry Howies, because A) it felt good and B) it made me get to warm faster. Then we played guitar hero and I went home. lol Odd boring drifting day, it reminded me of summer in an odd way.

Sunday: I woke up, and my cousin was randomly here. So we went to the village, then caribou and then came back and read magazines and played rock band. It was nice to just chill out with family for a day. I hardly ever get those. She was in between swim meets, I hope she did well.

end of recap.


So yah. I have a craving to spend more time outside. It's kind of bad because the weather sort of sucks balls. But I love the transition. During my misreable sad walk with my dog, of course I composed so much poetry in my head that it would be a waste to write it down. Sometimes certain things should stay in one's head and heart, it makes them more special that way, more exclusive. A secret to ones self. I've been keeping these secrets lately, and I love it.

Also, I opened my window today. Because a) I have a weird stench in my room (its the smell of mixing perfumes, smoke, incents, candles, and hair straighteners, yes EW) and b) because the crisp air feels so nice. It's like I missed out on this during the fall. Seriously, all I want to do is go on a walk. It's kind of crazy how driving has made me miss out on so much, yet it has made my world bigger. I love it, but hate it at the same time.

But like I'm not just at a crossroads, the world is! It's great, I've never felt so alone, but I've never felt so alive. I can be as open and as closed as I want. There's always an in between, I just figured that. It's great, the weather can't make up it's mind, and neither can I. I'm just going to go with the flow and enjoy it rather than fight it. Or at least I'll try. Letting go of ones former flaws is hard, but I'll give it my best shot.

I still havn't done my homework.... but here's a list!

16 Things To Do When The Weather Is Indescisive:
1. Go for a walk
2. Drive anywhere with the windows down
3. Open your window of your room
4. Rock out to Aerosmith by yourself
5. Paint your nails
6. Change your sheets
7. Clean your boots
8. Hang up clothes
9. Talk with family
10. Don't talk at all, take a friggin nap
11. Surf the web
12. Eat super sugary cereal
13. Heat up left overs and share them with someone you havn't talked with in awhile
14. Make someone a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it will suprise them and make them happy :]
15. Don't brush you hair, its a serious waste of time.
16. Day dream


Oh yah and if anyone wants to suprise me and make me PB&J, I'd love them forever, and I'd smile for a long time :]

blog # 12

Random Listed Thoughts Of Today:
Must I even blog about todays events?
I havn't cried on so many different occasions ever
luckily i have people i can laugh about it with
no matter what i say about you, i do love you. and im sorry for slander
Can drive tommarow :] im excited, i love the habitat crew.
My nail polish keeps chipping.
I wish I was a mermaid, then I could collect shiny things, and have a nice voice and marry a prince :]
I really like acoustic guitars, and its like a huge treat when someone plays for me and allows me to clap along.
I want summer so I can wear shorts.
I miss swimming more than I could ever imagine
I'm gunna keep it all in.
I'm just gunna let it all out.
I need to be a better friend
I have the best friends
It's gotten so easy to fake it
Never lie
Stand in the spotlight, and bring others in with you.
Aimee rocks at tatoos
I believe in medication, I believe in therepy

I just need something to sleep to at night..

blog #12

Wow. Lights= amazing. How did I not realize this when I saw her with Craig Owens? It often takes me a long time to get into bands with female singers, I don't know why. But anyways, it's Thursday and I promised a song analogie, so here it is, "Drive My Soul" -- Lights.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj6DOaIhD-I

To me, this song is about well, innocent simple love. But then it gets complicated, to the point where the other person, in this case, the guy is never around, and no matter where he is, she always uses him as her guide map. Like he is constantly on her mind and she makes desicions as if he was still there. At first I thought this was a post-break up song, because it says "when you're gone, will I lose control?" but really I see the meaning is a relationship with complications, perhaps the girl is more attached than he is, and she knows that once it's over, it will hurt and she know's she needs to move on, she just needs some one to "drive my soul".

This is one of the prettier electronic songs I've heard. Lights sounds very good live, but they took FOREVER to set up their various keyboards and amps. More than usual bands. They are also cool because she plays this song on a keytar. The music video has a really cool space-y vibe to it, something you'd expect from Lights. She stays true to her style, tight tank dress and headbands. She is just a bit too thin, a strong wind could knock over that girl.

Anyways. now onto my day. School. I'm about to embark on a babysitting adventure, YES, money! Finnaly, I need a steady income before I start feeling like a trust fund babay. In other news, I've been extremely happy lately. Just moving past small set backs and looking at big picture stuff. The positivity is great, and honestly I don't care about my critics. The people who constantly find joy out of putting me down, I don't care. Say what you want. If you rain on my parade, I'll break out the rain boots and dance. Treat me like shit and I'll smile through it all. Use me as toy for your amusement, do it, I swear that when I'm laughing I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at your pathetic attempt to make me feel small. I sick and tired of being sick and tired, (lol) and I'm through with listening to everyone. I make my own desicions, and no matter how much control you think you have over me. You don't, not anymore.

I'm done running at your pace. Now its you're turn to keep up with mine.

blog #11

I don't exactly know how to describe today. Whole. Today was whole. School was well school, and after with Aimee and Dalton was fun. It was a different kind of fun though. It was chill, I wasn't my usual hyper self at most times today, I was really at peace with the world. Mostly because I have no homework and everything is in balance. It's a nice feeling, but its also a very numb feeling. I hate feeling numb, but I'm learning that's what inner peace is. The feeling that all of your problems are miniscule and will go away eventually. It's nice not to have the feeling that I'm constantly struggling, but I miss the struggle? If that makes any sense. I feel like I enjoy feeling unreasonably happy and not knowing what's going to happen next. I live for the suspense, the cliffhangers and I've come to a sad realization. Conversations will be happening.

Just FYI, I love having deep talks about the world and stereotypes and racism with Dalton and Aimee. It makes me feel intelligent and I love hearing opionions of others, some people I love to chat like that with, and I could for hours, just because they spark my imagination. I adore it.

I think I might start a new tradition, I'll analyze a song every Thursday or tell you how it relates to me at the moment. Be ready.

I finnaly figured out how I feel. I'm comfortably numb.

blog # 10

Wow. For the first time in my entire life, (i think) I am so INCREDIBLY glad that the boys I know and hang out with are not the boys from Gossip Girl. Seriously, boys, this is a huge compliment because if you know me, you know that Dan Humphrey is (was) my TV boyfriend for about 2 years. But just like most men, he has proved to be an insensitive douche bag who sleeps with teachers about a half a day after "breaking up" with the girl he truly loves. DOUCHE BAGGERY! Seriously, guys in the real world, I do not give you enough credit for how truly wonderful and not stupid you actually are. I can't believe I ever chose a seemingly perfect fictional character against you lovely wonderful boys. Sure, Dan Humphrey is still pretty much one of the hottest guys on TV, but never again will I ever compare that dumb ass to you wonderful caring loving men. Learn from Dan's mistakes and avoid any douche like moves. Dan Humphrey, I'm breaking up with you.


haha, now that that little rant is out of the way. Today was pretty normal-ish. School, it was nice having a girls only lunch because of course we gossip the entire time, and talk about girly things, stuff we can't usually do when the boys are around. (don't worry, we still love you) After school I finnaly cashed my check (YESSSS!) and then came back to school to finish my German test and then spent about an hour with the Habitat For Humanity club, ironing t-shirts and making grilled cheese. It's nice to hang out with people you usually don't. Then I came home, watched Gossip Girl (see rant above), and now I am here. I'm supposed to be doing German homework etcetera. But I'm procrastinating, a bad habit I've formed, but I promised myself that I'd actually get all my homework done tonight.

If I'm going to be successfull and change the world like I want to, I'm going to need to work alot harder. And I'm trying truly trying hard, I'm just going to step it up. Because contrary to popular belief, I do not want to be a hobo. It's only Tuesday and I want the weekend, but I need to push that to the back of my mind and focus on this week.

8 Things I'm Promising Myself To Do This Week:
1. Do all homework in its entirity at the best of your ability
2. Have an actual PHONE conversation with someone (call me?)
3. Try to clean room
4. Lie less. It's a nasty habit saying you'll do something and you don't. STOP IT.
5. BUY NEW SHAMPOO. You need to make sure its a super girly so your brothers won't steal it.
6. Tell people you love that you love them :]
7. Sleep at apropriete times.
8. Drink less pop

theres tons of fish in the water

30 Things To Do When You're Technically Under House Arrest Because You Hit Your Dad's Car, Got Bad Grades On Your Report Card, and Your'e Parents Are Going Out Drinking Somewhere In Detroit:

1. Paint my nails.
2. Rent a movie on demand
3. Clean my room
4. Clean out my cabinets
5. Visit Becca at work, cause she works where the pizza your supposed to buy is
6. Practice playing pool
7. Learn to play Halo so you don't suck
8. Cover songs on your little plastic tamborine
9. Pretend your'e a rockstar.
10. Make coffee, drink entire pot on your own
11. Read
12. Homework, I guess
13. Try not to complain via text, call or IM to your friends who's parents let them live their lives.
14. Study the dictionary
15. Actually read your AP gov prep book you bought
16. Learn to cook something that will make people say, "Yumm, that Sally is a good cook" even when you know you suck at cooking, because the time you tried to make clam chowder you adde cinnamon.
17. Come to the conclusion, that cinnamon does not go with clam chowder.
18. Hide the cinnamon
19. Sleep
20. Float around the internet aimlessly
21. Try to save panda.
22. Probably fail at the panda game.
23. Dance, the amanda dance if fustrated.
24. Wish you were anywhere but here.
25. Wish you were with anyone but yourself
26. Curl your hair
27. Straighten your hair.
28. Attempt to play your brothers guitar
29. Eat your feelings
30. Attempt to not go crazy

saturday morning commute

its 11:30 am and im seated next to unsuspection
bottled blonds and slicked back smiles
i can barely hit 35 on this narrow road
but i speed down the straightaway to make you go away
to get of my bumper, and out of my heart
and when my eyes shoot to the rearview mirror you're gone
i want more then just a parking pass hanging, i want a kaldiscope on my dashboard
a circus i created with my own hands
its saturday morning and i should be sleeping
but im commuting like the rest of the lost souls
just thinking, just thinking
about how fucked up i've made myself
and how i love the mayhem but wish for more time
to say the things that are on my mind
t minus 5 months til take off
to this suicide mission, where i can only come back different
and we all want change, thats what we voted for
but all the stains on stomachs and ink on arms has me wishing for something less permanent
something i can just wash off when im done
but it doesnt work like that
and baby we're dealing in big lies now
it doesnt hurt, i wont cry, its over
and the numb feeling doesnt make me want to die
ill try harder, i promise, im sorry, your forgiven
its broken its fixed
baby your the police man and this is cardiac arrest.

blog #9

well, nothing is new really. I skipped school yesterday because I honestly just couldn't sit through another boring day of that shit. So I slept, watched pointless TV, did some homework and blah. Well I had rehersal on Monday, that was cool. I honestly like the song. I went to school today and I could not help but feel like I had a giant cloud over my head. I don't know why I feel so down at all, but like I feel a bit lonely, I'm kind of okay with it cause I know I'm just in a funk, but whatever.

I really like this paper I wrote for my comp class, I don't know why but it reads almost lyrically and I like it that way. Of course it's supposed to have dialouge and what not, but I don't write like that and I tend to stay true to myself. So thats pretty much it of that.

I just need to clear my fucking head, the thing is I don't know what to clear it of. Like I've slept a ton, took my meds like a good little girl, did my homework, been responsible, but i still feel like something is just missing...
It's a fucking weird feeling, seriously, especially since nothing is missing that I know of. I'm just weird, anyways.

I'm happy for the weekend, like really happy for it, because that means sleeping and hanging out and being lazy and I like that :]

advice

As I look back at my mistakes, I found out that I need to put all the advice and all the lessons I've learned down into a written form. So here it is.

Don't let anyone tell you your'e not good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough or strong enough. If you want something, I mean really want something, you will put your entire heart and soul into it. And that is worth everything, and if you are willing to devote time to something or someone or some dream, that it is worth it, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Don't be afraid to fall in love. With a person, an event, a scene, an object, a dream, a fantasy, an idea. Fall in love with it! Embrace every second of it and don't be afraid to give your heart away to it, if you truly love something then if you hold back you will never completely feel real. So if you love a sport, don't quit because it's too hard, if you love singing or writing or poetry, don't stop because you think you're not good enough, if you love someone, don't stop just because things are complicated. Work through it all. Because I know that if you truly fall in love with anything, you are willing to make every sacrifice for it.

Stop listening to the haters. Seriously? Who cares if others think your an idoit, or your wasting your time. You are happy, and when you're happy, noone should ever want to take that away from you. Perhaps they are jealous, perhaps they are ignorant, perhaps they really are looking out for you. But in the end, those people can't control you, only you can, and if you want to stop you will, but at the moment if its what you want to do, do it! Don't listen to the negative.

Never be afraid to say you like something. Say your'e with people you know are not into the music you like, do NOT fake it! In the end, people will respect you being yourself and not pretending to like something when you don't. And you will too when you arn't forced to say you love T-Pain when you think it is literally audible dirt, or no I really don't care that you don't like Fall Out Boy, I DO, so deal with it and don't put me down because I like things you don't. It's my opinion.

Work hard. Really, if you don't work hard at the things that are "important" to you in your life, than are they really that important? If you're friends are important and you don't work at bettering your relationships and keeping in touch, then are they really important to you? If school is important than why not put time into it? If a relationship is important to you, then why not work at it?

Surround yourself with people who make you smile, because at the end of your life span, those smile lines that have conjured around your face will be your best feature, not your hair or your eyes. People will remember your smile.

Laugh, regardless of what you're laughing at. Laughing not only burns calories, but it makes you feel invinceable.

Brave the weather. Don't let the weather keep you from doing something you want. Fuck the cold or the heat. Shivering and sweating is part of life. And I promise you, you will be dissapointed that you didn't build that snowman or take that walk because it was too cold.

Respect yourself, if you don't want to do something or act a certain way, don't noone is forcing you too, and if they are, I suggest you leave because these people are not respecting you.

The only person's expectations you need to live up to are yours.

Go out, drive around with the windows down, talk about the most random topics and come home late to curfew. Trust me, it will transform any boring Saturday night into a night you'll never forget.

Talk! So what if what you want to talk about is deamed inappropriete or stupid or random or even off topic, say what's on your mind. From experience being quiet and keeping your ideas inside, will hold you back more then move you forward. Be the person who always has something to say regardless, not many people remember the quiet kids.

Keep your head up, you have no idea what your'e missing looking at your feet.

If people laugh at your dreams and ideas, laugh back, not because its funny, but because they have no idea how great you could be.

Kiss, hug, poke, feel, TOUCH! The saddest thing about American society is the lack of closeness, and a simple touch brings people just a little bit closer, makes things just a little bit more personal. A hug can change someones perspective on the day.

You are NOT hopeless. Because even if they don't, I believe in you. Put your heart into it, and anything is possible.

Why can't this be my life?

blog #8

hEY! I was super tired last night so i didnt update. SORRY!
well yesterday at school, it was pretty normal, we made banananimals in vertebreates. its like the second day and i'm already deeply in love with that class its almost sad. and in AP gov we continued our epic game of monopoly and i finnally got a property! conneticut avenue bitchessss
then after school, i went to daltons and watched everyone play video games then tried to play halo, but failed. then dinner with my mommy at olive garden, filled with interesting convo i'm sure. then to matt's house, where ryan proceeded to break a couch. wowsaz. afterwards i was dead tired, so then dalton drove me home where i proceeded to pass out when i came in the door.
Today I want to go see Gran Torino, but I might have to go to a dinner party in Roseville, and I don't want to go for several obvious reasons. So yah.

So here's some lists, because they are obviously better than my scatter brained recollection of the happenings of my life...


Top 5 Songs Desribing My Mood Currently:
1. Obvious - Hey Monday
2. Hit The Lights - All Time Low
3. Medicine Man - The Hush Sound
4. We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands - The Academy Is...
5. Hum Hallelujah - Fall Out Boy


Top 11 Bands I Am DYING To See On Warped This Summer:
1. 3OH!3
2. Breathe Carolina
3.Forever The Sickest Kids
4. Hit The Lights
5. Madina Lake
6.Sing It Loud
7. A Rockett To The Moon
8. Nevershoutnever
9. The Maine
10. The White Tie Affair
11. Lights

Top5 Quotes I Love At The Moment:
1. "I've done everything but die" - Patrick Stump
2. "Today I saw cancer, cigarettes, and shortness of breath. This is why I walk to the ocean, swim with sharks and jellyfish. I may never get this chance again. This is why if you want to kiss you should kiss. If you want to cry you should cry, and if you want to live you should live."
3. "So here's to everything coming down to nothing" - Taylor Swift
4. "I'd say it's nice to see you, but I know how you hate dishonesty" - Gossip Girl
5."Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times,
these are your only times, so you better enjoy them."

blog #7

So here's a breakdown of my day before i get into my deeper thoughts:
I got a new lab partner in Chemistry :]
Hung out with Jordan (cool kid) in German
Sat on the floor and chatted in English
Got made fun of constantly at lunch
Watched turtles try to escape in Vertebrates
Played a very hardcore game of monopoly in AP gov.

Yah I know, monopoly in an advanced placement government class. awesome. well i'm pretty much loosing that game since i've been to jail (in the game) for times and barely got or lost any money. Then after school I grabbed coffee with Aimee & Dalton, and then they came over so i could do my homework and we kinda just hung out, fun times actually.

Now to my deeper thoughts. For once in my life, I have truly learned from my past. I used to just disregard all my mistakes and experiences but now I actually learned. It's a great feeling, feeling this happy and carefree. I'm finnaly upholding my actual responsibilities and not worrying about dumb things that won't matter in a few years. Like I feel centered, if that's weird to say. I just hate how people don't see that I've grown up from the past and can handle things right now. I mean, I'm more comfortable saying what I want and what I don't want and avoiding things that I know will make me do things I don't want. It's just fustrating when other people doubt that your'e on the same page as them. I mean, I'm a big girl now, I've learned so much, and I can handle my emotions and urges and the things I say. I know who to trust with what and when. More importantly I know who I can't trust. I know who plays games, and I know when to play them.

All in all. I'm not going to be played. I'm not going to be the one to fall. I'm not going to mess anything up by doing anything I ever did in the past. I'm going to be the happy blessed person I know I am. And do things for me now. I'm determined to turn over a new leaf, and goddamnit I have. So please, seriously don't mess this up for me by assuming things. Now on to today's list...

Top 5 Reasons Why I'm Currently Enjoying the Cold Weather:
1. Scarves
2. Hoodies
3. Being able to see your breath outside
4. Having a legit excuse to drink scalding hot coffee
5. Snowboarding

survey

8 years​ ago.​.​.​.


​
The year Jan 2001

1) How old were you?
9

2) Who were you datin​g?
noone i was nine

3) Where​ did you work?​
noone i was nine

4) Where​ did you live?
roseville michigan

5) Where​ did you hang out?
my backyard
because being the rich kids in roseville,
you had a sweet above ground pool, and a pretty tree and a big porch and a deck and a grill and a trampoline :]
all crammed into the smallest backyard ever

6) Did you wear conta​cts and/​or glass​es?​
nope

7) Who was your best frien​d?​
probably at that time daniel

8) How many tatto​os did you have?​
none

9) How many pierc​ings did you have?​
ears i think?

10) What kind of car did you drive​?​
i was 9 :]

11) Had you been to a real party​?​
lol if you count parties at the bowling alley

12) Had you had your heart​ broke​n?
nope.
i was the heartbreaker at 9

13) Were you Singl​e/Taken​/​Marri​ed/​Divor​ced?​
single, because I was 9

14) Any Kids?​
um i was a kid

***4 YEARS​ AGO ( Jan 2005)​*​*​*​

1) How old were you?
13

2) Who were you datin​g?​
Drew

3) Where​ did you work at the time?​
unemployed

4) Where​ did you live?
rochester michigan

5) Where​ did you hang out?
Pine Knob &&& MUSSON
omg so many vivid memories at musson

6) Did you wear conta​cts and/​or glass​es?​
no

7) Who were your best frien​d(​s)​?​
Emma Heather, Kenzi and Jill

8) How many tatto​os did you have?​
none

9) How many pierc​ings did you have?​
ears

10) What car did you drive​?​
zero

11) Had your heart​ broke​n?​
that year was the first time

12) Were you Singl​e/​Taken​/​Marri​ed/​Divor​ced?​
taken

13) Any Kids?​
noooo

*​*​*​*​TODAY​ (Jan 2009)​*​*​*​*​

1) Age?
17

2) Where​ do you work?​
nowhere

3) Where​ do you live?​
rochester mi

5) Who are your close​st frien​ds?
I have alot

6) Do you talk to your old frien​ds?​
no. not really. because i dont like most of them

7) How many pierc​ings do you have?​
ears

8) How many tatto​os?​
none

9) What kind of car do you have?​
blue jeep liberty

10) Had your heart​ been broke​n?​
yep

11) Singl​e/​taken​/​marri​ed/​divor​ced/​Engag​ed?​
single wooot! :P

12) How many kids?​
0

blog #6

My day in list form, (because thats what I do.) (in series of sixes?)

Schedule:
1. Chemistry - Domanski
2. German - Barner
3. Comp 11 A - Lovalvo
4. Adv. Algebra - Latham
5. Vertebrates - Wieten
6. AP Gov - Macfarland

Best Thing About Each Class:
1. Ryan, Ali, Cassy, Alese, Natasha, Mr. Domanski && mole bucks :]
2. Frau Barner, Jen, Janna, Justin, and just because it's German
3. Discussions. Mr Lovalvo likes to talk, and I'm very opinionated so it works.
4. LUNCH! best thing ever :]
5. Mr. Wieten is awesome and Jen & Mel are awesome too
6. Blow off class

Worst Thing About Each Class:
1. Failing/Ryan
2. I miss my old class and Jenny & Becca
3. Mr. Lovalvo apparently calls home if you write a paper on a real topic that is disturbing
4. Math, and having 3rd lunch on test days
5. Cliquey people
6. None of my friends are in that class, so I need to buck up and make new friends.


Things To Do:
1. Chemistry homework
2. Cash checks
3. Get free coffee before the coupon runs out
4. Pick out outfit for tommarow
5. Clean a little bit
6. Perhaps try my hand at poetry again

Things I Want To Do:
1. Go to Caribou
2. Get my free coffee
3. Not do homework
4. Use this random pent up energy inside of me
5. Go to the Y later.
6. Sleep :]


Top 6 Songs That I Am Currently In Hot Sexy Love With:
1. Count it! -- Hit The Lights
2. How in the Wolrd -- Family Force 5
3. It Had to Be You -- Motion City Soundtrack
4. Shameless -- All Time Low
5. Radiator -- Family Force 5
6. Stay Awake -- All Time Low
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay so now for a real summary of my day. Well it was the start of a new semester, and I like all my classes, its just an odd thing to get used to, so that might take awhile, I'll probably be feeling a little wierd and like everything is new for a few weeks. I need to relax for awhile. I came home, and got a new phone :] I love it, it's an envy and has an awesome keyboard and is loud and matches my ipod and camera. Then I got money for my birthday (see below post) from my grandparents. I am currently procrastinating doing chemistry by listening to All Time Low. I really would like to see Gran Torino this weekend, and go shopping, and just hang out around town. Possibly a show at the factory? Who knows. but god I'm loving life right now, even though its hard and annoying and alot of problems in it, I'm just enjoying the good things at the moment. It's great that I feel this happy, I havn't been like this in months.