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well, ive decided that this blog is pretty much a waste of space and time. and possibly energy that we could use to power some other more important blogspot websites like "Whowhatweardaily.com" or "th Satorialist". That and nobody really gives a fuck, nor do i. Its just fun to read all my "rants" in the past that don't mean any thing. Wow, I'm seriously a bitch. Saying I hate people just because of a egotistic comment once made ages ago? Dumb. Really immature on my part. Plus, this blog is just fuel for drama, and for people to probably mock me behind my back, which is everything I don't want.

To sign off, I will vent on my final and most important issue in my life right now. Just so the silly people who actually waste their time to read this know that I don't just swear every other line and rant.

My family life has been really difficult lately, which is causing me to seperate myself from my friends. My grandpa had a stroke while I was away and I came home to an empty house, and an extremely stressed out mother. My dad and my brothers returned for a week, and during that week, my mom was rarely home because she was at the hospital all day taking care of my grandpa and my dad was at work all day.

We hardly had any time for family dinners, and I took over the mother role during the day. I had to make sure that my brothers had taken their medication, eaten, and were showered on top of being entertained. Things started to look up when my grandpa entered rehab and was doing better then got to go home. We even made plans to go to the movies with him because when I was younger we always did that.

But when we went to go pick him up, he was asleep, and my cousin was there upset because he didn't know what to do. He was watching him while my aunt took my grandma (who has health problems of her own and can't drive herself) to the doctor. My mom got him to bed and tried to make him eat something. He refused to eat because he felt woozy and had a fever. When my grandma and my aunt came back, we called the doctor and took him to the hospital right away. We were afraid he was stroking again.

The next day, I went to Warped Tour and it was awesome, until I got in the car and my mom told me my grandpa was sick again. He was throwing up, and when my uncle (who has lost an incredible amount of weight he didn't need to lose and is going through problems of his own) couldn't help, my mom had to drive another hour to their house to pick up the peices again.

The next day, while my mom was in the shower, my grandma called saying they were taking him to the ER. He had to have kidney dialysis (sp?) where the flush out your kidneys because the medicine he was taking was reacting with his insulin weird. (he is diabetic). My mom quickly came out of her room, in tears. I've hardly seen my mother cry this much and told us she was going to take care of it. Mind you, my dad and my brother are camping and completely out of touch with us this week. I called my best friend to just talk, and like the wonderful person he is he listened to me on the verge of tears. But I know I can't rely on him like that. I've been trying to go through this alone even though I know I need help from my friends. I just don't think a) they want to help or b) they don't know whats really going on.

So my grandpa is back in the hospital, but coming home soon, but I doubt for long. He's still not doing well and its really really hard on me. This is the first time I've gotten it all out in writing. I havn't even wrote a poem or anything about it since it happened. Just because it's been so stressful. I'm trying to help out the best I can, but my mom still cries every night. The anxiety has even gotten to my dog, who we took to the vet when she was shaking and the vet told us she was stressed out and might have to go on "puppy anti depressants".

I just wanted to let the few readers out there know whats really going on. Why I can't deal with being picked on right now, why I'll leave early, or why I'll just be plain quiet. I can't take anymore bull shit. All of the bull shit is in my corner right now, and I just need my friends to be there. Even though I may be difficult and resist efforts, I don't think I can do this alone. And I guess this blog has attracted some attention and has been the butt of some jokes. But I can't have that right now. I just need peace.

Thanks.