Sooooo much has happened since I have last updated. My laptop was broken, virtumonde to be exact and honestly I don't want my parents reading my rants so I figured that wouldn't be good updating from my mommys mac, but fransisco is safe at home and i love him :]
So. I've become more and more devoted to Damn Yankees. It's pretty incredible, I love being an upper classmen and the people involved with the play are so much fun to be around. The next two weeks with you guys will be delightful.
Also, I recieved my German! VERENA! She's really sweet and nice and I'm so lucky to be able to get along with the girl I will be spending most of my summer with.
But the more and more I think about and get excited for Germany, the more attached to home I get. I've never been away and out of the loop for more then a weekend, and even then it was summer and I was connected to home by a cell phone. But in Germany I will be cut off. Almost completely. And I'm scared/happy/anxious/excited/sad for it all. It's a wonderful mix of emotions that I get everytime I log on the computer and read all about the trip and other peoples Germans.
I don't know why I'm already thinking of missing people, but God only knows I will. I hate the fact that I could very well be forgotten. But in a sense I want to be forgotten. I want to come home with a clean slate, ready to start over and right my wrongs. I've been doing a stellar job at patching up my mind about finnaly getting things straight in my head in my heart and making the connection between the two.
It's hard giving up things you want, and resisting the little urges inside of you, but I want to be taken seriously. I've grown up and I'm ready to be grown up. The little girl inside of me will always believe in prince charmings and midnight kisses and second chances, but I'm not that little girl anymore and I know that things have changed. Prince charmings could very well be frogs, your carriage turns back into a pumpkin at midnight, and people you love will abuse you're second chances.
I'm just trying really hard to stay true to my desicions. To be me, not to strive for attention or a love that isnt equal. I'm me, plain and simple, take it or leave it. I've grown up, and it didn't take the pushes I've been recieving. It took one little comment from someone I thought I despised to change my whole perspective. Which is amazing in it self. I havn't done anything wrong, I'm just not thinking about the other sides.
Why do people do these things? What don't they understand? Why does someone say something then do another? Because their head, their hearts, and their impulses are not balancing out. My impulses were WAY outweighing my head, and impulses combined with the feelings in my heart made my logic all off wack.
So it comes down to this. I'm taking a stand up for what I want, and what I want is to be respected, and if that is ever going to happen, I'm not going to let people walk all over me. I won't be used, if you don't treat me right, I won't waste my fragile heart on you. I don't need advice on every little issue. I'm strong. I lost track of my strength, but I'm stronger than you think and now I'm going to show everyone that I'm not just a joke or an emotional rollercoaster. Love me, I dare you.
peaceeeeee ;]
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